The Buzzing Boudoir

It’s been forever.

School consumes my life.

That’s not entirely true. I’ve had some interesting adventures: Witnessing a public pegging, yes. Pegging. YES PUBLIC. Though to be fair, I didn’t actually SEE anything. I was already wasted enough to be drifting in and out of consciousness on the near by couch. I certainly did hear the tell-tale thump, thump, thump of the many dildos of one crazed exhibitionist as she made it rain—dicks.

That was an intense night. I started with me just in a lab coat with duct tape over my nipples, trying to get rid of a disemboweled squirrel in true Macguyver fashion.  The first quotable thing I said of the night:

“I just realized that I’m not wearing a shirt. I need more sangria.”

Mind you, I tore my MCL during another drunken romp. So, I was in a brace and using a cane to walk. With my lab coat, and duct-taped-titties I was like the black, female, prostitute version of House. MD.

I went to 7-11 dressed like this. I might have changed some peoples lives.

The duct tape didn’t last long. With all the groping and grinding that are expected at  the Tyre Ave House Parties, I was functionally topless by 1AM. And completely nonfunctional by 2.

I woke up on the couch, my breasts bear and upturned, clutching my cane— in a lab coat covered in still-warm sangria vomit. There were 3 or 4 males passed out in various positions on the floor around me. I shamble to the dumpster and toss out the labcoat, and begin the search for the rest of my belongings.

I open the the door to my friend’s bedroom—she was the birthday girl. To find 3 people piled in the twin bed. Two girls were naked and cuddling, while the third was fully clothed but missing a single flip-flop. There were dildos and bottles of lube strewn across the carpet.

It smelled like silicone and buttsex.

There was one giant, purple monstrosity that threatened to puncture my cervix from across the room:  THE GREAT AMERICAN CHALLENGE.

I apparently passed out before the deep throating contest of this tree-trunk dick. I think the only thing missing is that it should be red, white and blue.

The morning after was almost as epic as the night of. Almost.

On my injured knee, I tried to look under the bed for my belongings. But just passed out again. Probably a good thing, since I had no business driving anywhere.

When we all woke up an hour or two later, we travel en masse to Ihop. The majority of us are hung over. The Naked Birthday girl blew a .08. Mind you she wasn’t completely naked. She had hand and wrist shackles on. From when she was doing naked. shackled. keg stands.

When we returned from our not-family-friendly Ihop trip (thermus of beer included), to discover that the our friend (the one who held The Naked Birthday Girl during the kegstand—and dropped her on her head) was no longer passed out. He was still in his Indian smoker’s robe from last night. (The party theme was lingerie/slutty costume) Sitting on the stairs, just shaking his head.

Apparently, while we were gone the landlord called and gave him THREE MINUTES NOTICE that the house was to be shown to interested buyers. He hid all the various paraphernalias, but was running around the house trying to find a hiding spot for THE GREAT AMERICAN CHALLENGE. 

My life is average.

I just ordered my first strap on. OMGLOLWTFBBQ

IT’S PURPLE :D

Open up.

There’s nothing more refreshing than opening up to someone. Really opening up. Just bearing the raw, unabashed facts that would frighten or disgust others. Especially when that person does not think less of you. <3

Oh I wrote a poem, by the way.

Open Book:

My pages are yellow
and their corners curl
into themselves slowly.
White, spindly lines
crawl up my binding.
Entire pages are missing. Several
slipped out of my whispering spine
and fluttered away. Some were torn
gently and tucked into pockets to be reread
and remembered on some other day.
How many times
have I been opened?
How many times
have I revealed the faded places
where tears spiraled and splashed
and the ink ran like mascara?

Complete review of my first assignment from EF =]

fuckyeahchubbygirls:

“Appreciate who you are and the life you’ve been given. If someone doesn’t think your good enough fuck them The truth is your better than they will ever be. Hold your head high,be confident and never forget to smile. “-Jolene Summer(me)

www.inspirationforhumankind.tumblr.com

Are you the kind of girl?

This happened about two months back, while I was picking up some drunk eats from 7-11. (I was suddenly reminded by a creeper-at-7-11-story in my Dashboard)

That night, i was dressed up a bit: Short denim shorts, purple low cut tunic, and Steve Madden Luxe high heeled black suede booties. I fucking love those shoes. I suppose I looked a bit like a maneater, especially since I’m already 6’0” without shoes on.

So I was being  tall as fuck eying the taquitos, while my cohorts were back at the drink color. This guy stumbles up to me, about eye-level with my breasts. He’s white with bedraggled mousy brown hair and bloodshot blue eyes. He clutches a four pack of redbull, swaying where he stand. His eyes slide from my head to my shoes, before settling on my cleavage. He smacks his lips.

“Are you the kinda girl…” He trails off, leaving the question unfinished and hanging in the air. His eyes slide up and down my body again, this time resting on the crest of my ass. He bites his lower lip.

“Are you the kind of girl…” He trails off again, inspecting my body. My raised eyebrow must’ve disappeared into my hairline, because he looked perturbed.

“Are you the kind of…”He trails off once more before giving my legs a once over.

“…I just want to bang you so hard.”

The cashier face-palms, hands me my taquitos, and I get the HELL out of there.

Look who’s here =]

I swear  I didn’t nearly rip this out of the mailman’s hands. I swear.

Complete review available here: http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-reviews/sensual-love/i-didn-t-even-have-to-take-off-my-pants

If these paints were lead based, they would at least be interesting.

Body Finger Paint Glow—by Pipe Dream.

Pros: Reminded me of bacon

Cons: Reminded me of bacon

There are three things that I must say about these body paints:
1) They suck
2) They’re stupid
3) I hate them.

I was really looking forward to glowing in the dark while getting plowed. But unfortunately, these paints were a complete and utter fail. Maybe I should’ve suspected this from the cheap, poorly composed packaging. However, I was so intensely turned on by incorporating a form of chemiluminescence into foreplay that I bought them anyway. They blinded me with science.

The paints seem like they come in four colors: yellow, orange, blue and green. I suspected that the colors would all glow that quintessential, it-might-give-me-cancer-but-it-looks-cool chartreuse color in the dark. What I didn’t suspect is that the paints wouldn’t glow at all. My partner and I decided to leave the paints in the light all day to absorb some photons and “charge” so to speak.

After this, the paint glowed very faintly—faint like subpar glowstick two or three days after the rave. I was disappointed, but I thought that maybe these could still be used in the light since they were pretty pigmented. Apparently, I thought like an idiot. Apparently, the only color that came in the package was grease. That’s what it looked like anyway. The texture of the paint was also off-putting, like congealed bacon fat with powdery granules. Mm. Sexy.

When the trails of colorless, powdery bacon grease dried on my skin I looked like I had leprosy. Mm. Sexy.

I do not recommend these paints to anyone. However,it could make a great gift for those who enjoy disappointment, bacon grease and leprosy.

The paint came off easily with tissue, but I still felt greasy and disappointed. It was like my junior year of college.

Never again.

Popping the Post Cherry-First EF Toy Assignment is here!

I have received my first product review assignment from Edenfantasys.com. I absolutely adore that place. What’s not to love about free sex toys? There are stipulations, of course. I could only imagine the ensuing pandemonium if any place offered limitless free sex toys. There would be riots. Dildos everywhere. It’d be a mess.

Here’s the toy: The Waterproof Dream Maker Night Cap by Evolved Novelties

As you can see, the packaging is quite cutesy. Since, you know, nothing gets you in the mood to jack it like pink butterflies and spirals of glitter. The only thing missing is a unicorn. (I wonder if Lisa Frank had anything to do with this…)

Also the package is not particularly discreet. In fact, it pretty much screams: LOOK AT THIS HUGE PINK DICK IN THIS SHINY BOX. I’m okay with that though.  Here it is out of the box:

It’s bigger than I anticipated. That’s okay. I’ve got a bottle of whiskey and plenty of lube.

There’s a lot of buttons. It alleges 600 combinations of rotation and vibration. There’s a little pentagram that lights up when its on.

ALOHOMORA OPEN UP YOUR LEGS, BITCH

You know what, I think I’m going to wait a while before I use this one…